I don't think I have ever used the phrase, "I felt lead to..." or "I felt called to..." Not until a few months ago, at least. Even while raising support to be a missionary, I'm pretty sure I didn't use that phrase. Partly because it sounds so cliche and hoakie, but mostly because I can't stand the idea of being fake and having said I felt "called" to go to Brazil would have felt very insincere to me. Was I "called"? Did God lead me there? I'm pretty sure He did. At least my theology tells me He did, but it's one thing to believe something and another to feel it and own it.
As I type this, I'm even nervous to write that Rocky and I feel "called" to adopt, but the reality is, we do. It's a scary term because it often makes us want to believe that what we are "called to" will indeed happen, will happen easily and will happen for the good and happiness of all involved. We don't know if any of that will be true for our adoption story, and I can assure you it wasn't always true of my missionary story, but I still feel confident (for the first time ever) saying I FEEL called to this.
Let me back up...
Before I had a child, before I was married, before I was dating anyone, before I was even sure I wanted to have children, I loved the idea of adoption. When I would think of orphans, I would be overwhelmed with pain and sorrow for them. When I heard adoption stories, my heart would burst with joy and peace. When I read or pondered the fact that God had adopted me and all that meant for me, my imagination would run wild with how adoption of humans by humans is such a reflection of the gospel and of God's heart. I was not sure I wanted to birth a child, but I was pretty sure I wanted to adopt one. Someday. I would even pray for a husband who was open to adoption.
On the night Rocky asked me to marry him, just before he popped the big question, I asked him his thoughts on adoption (fully expecting him to say something along the lines of, "what the hell are you talking about?!" and fully expecting to have to deal with the disappointment and confusion that that would bring) only to hear him say, without pause, that he would definitely be open to adoption when the time came to start a family. Boom!
Fast forward a year or so...
Rocky and I have been married almost a year when we start doing that crazy thing, talking about the K word - kids! Long story short, we had one. It took about eight months and some testing, poking, prodding, etc to make that baby and during those eight months we talked about adoption and other options. We were game. But, glory to God, along came embryo Livi and the adoption talk was put on hold!
Then along came newborn Livi. Well, she came after nine months of misery and medical issues and eight hours of traumatic pushing (see other blog incase you having nothing better to do), but alas there she was in all her precious baby goodness!
Fast forward a year or so...again...
Livi is getting bigger and we are doing that crazy thing again, talking kid number two! With my long-term love for adoption, Rocky being totally down with it, my experience with pregnancy and labor, and, let's face it, my age, it just made sense for us to skip the baby making business and get down to the adoption business!
From that point until this one, God has continually lead us forward, through many ups and downs, many doubts and fears and many potential obstacles. He has done wild "God stuff" to get us in the door when the "rules" of the agency didn't allow. He has calmed our fears, answered our questions and most of all reminded us over and over that His heart is a heart for adoption. He adopted us as His children, giving us all the rights and responsibilities of sons and we want to do the same for some child out there. The child that He gives. The child whose birth mother is not in a place or position to raise him but who is brave enough, selfless enough, loving enough to make the painfully self-sacrificing choice of adoption for her child.
Disclaimer: We are not perfect parents. We are quite screwed up, actually. We often don't know what we're doing or how to do it. We struggle on a daily basis to figure it out, to love our daughter well. We run back to God over and over with fear, confusion and parent-guilt. We are not under the illusion that we are adopting to provide a child with a perfect home or perfect life or perfect parents. Our hope is to be the parents with the home and life that God decides is right and best for this child. Our hope is that God will fill in the gaps for all our children. That God will heal the wounds we cause, bring truth to the lies we accidentally teach, build the character we fail to demonstrate and provide the love we struggle to give. Our hope is that all of our children can know their individual stories, love themselves as they are and allow God to enter into all the corners of their lives, both light and dark ones, in order to allow them each to fully live the life God intended them to live.
Rocky and I have been married almost a year when we start doing that crazy thing, talking about the K word - kids! Long story short, we had one. It took about eight months and some testing, poking, prodding, etc to make that baby and during those eight months we talked about adoption and other options. We were game. But, glory to God, along came embryo Livi and the adoption talk was put on hold!
Then along came newborn Livi. Well, she came after nine months of misery and medical issues and eight hours of traumatic pushing (see other blog incase you having nothing better to do), but alas there she was in all her precious baby goodness!
Fast forward a year or so...again...
Livi is getting bigger and we are doing that crazy thing again, talking kid number two! With my long-term love for adoption, Rocky being totally down with it, my experience with pregnancy and labor, and, let's face it, my age, it just made sense for us to skip the baby making business and get down to the adoption business!
From that point until this one, God has continually lead us forward, through many ups and downs, many doubts and fears and many potential obstacles. He has done wild "God stuff" to get us in the door when the "rules" of the agency didn't allow. He has calmed our fears, answered our questions and most of all reminded us over and over that His heart is a heart for adoption. He adopted us as His children, giving us all the rights and responsibilities of sons and we want to do the same for some child out there. The child that He gives. The child whose birth mother is not in a place or position to raise him but who is brave enough, selfless enough, loving enough to make the painfully self-sacrificing choice of adoption for her child.
Disclaimer: We are not perfect parents. We are quite screwed up, actually. We often don't know what we're doing or how to do it. We struggle on a daily basis to figure it out, to love our daughter well. We run back to God over and over with fear, confusion and parent-guilt. We are not under the illusion that we are adopting to provide a child with a perfect home or perfect life or perfect parents. Our hope is to be the parents with the home and life that God decides is right and best for this child. Our hope is that God will fill in the gaps for all our children. That God will heal the wounds we cause, bring truth to the lies we accidentally teach, build the character we fail to demonstrate and provide the love we struggle to give. Our hope is that all of our children can know their individual stories, love themselves as they are and allow God to enter into all the corners of their lives, both light and dark ones, in order to allow them each to fully live the life God intended them to live.
