It was at least half-way through the day on Mother's Day when it finally hit me that there is at least one Mother who will not be celebrated. Sadly, it took the sensitive comment of a friend to even bring her to my mind. My son's birth mother is going through her first Mother's Day as a mother but without a child. That is heavy. That is heart-breaking. That is humbling. And, that made me start thinking and feeling this post. I have deep emotions when it comes to my son's birth parents, especially his birthmother. These feelings bring lumps in my throat, tears to my eyes and sometimes fists to my hands (mentally at least). I want to honor her this Mother's Day. I want to give her back just a morsel of what she's given me.
In that light, I'm going to tell you two statements that have been said to me that really felt awful to hear and then I'm going to try and explain why these things are hurtful and what the truth behind them is. These statements got to me mostly because they felt like an attack of my son's birthmother. I know they weren't meant that way, but they felt that way. If you see fire in my eyes after an adoption comment or question, it's likely because I feel a deep love and loyalty and respect for the woman who made the ultimate sacrifice and I might just need to make a left hook in her honor.
"I would love to adopt, but I just can't take a child from someone who can't have children."
When this first came out of the person's mouth, it felt like a punch in the gut. It hurt. Deep. The first pain was personal...personal because A. I know and love many people who have struggled and are struggling with infertility and I would NEVER EVER want to take a child from them. The idea that someone thinks that I could or would do that is very hurtful and offensive and B. I had an "oh shit" moment, before I could bring reason into play, of "Is that what I'm doing?! Will I be robbing someone who is infertile from having a child?!"
After that initial reaction, and all the blood draining from my face, I tried to continue the conversation despite struggling to hold back the tears. So I said, "Well, it's the birthmother's choice who adopts her child and some birthmothers choose couples who have children." That's all I could get out and all I could even get through my brain. The response I got was a "Oh no, I don't like that." I don't even know what she meant by that but my brain and heart were done. I knew I was hurt on more than just a personal level but it took a couple hours and some distance for me to realize why.
You see, what I've come to realize is that adoption is primarily about the child, secondarily about the birth parents and thirdly about the adoptive parents. Yes, God uses adoption to grow families, to redeem infertility and to bless many, many couples like my husband and me. However, it's the birth parents, the "first" parents who should be honored through the process. Birthmothers are heroes. They are un-praised, often shunned, shamed and even hated. They fore-go the "easy out" of abortion and choose to endure 9 months of pregnancy. They choose to do what they see as best for a child they won't get to hold or hug or tuck in to bed. They choose pain. They choose loss. They choose life. They choose self-sacrifice.
A birthmother (or parents as in our case) have every right to choose who will be the Mommy and Daddy (and perhaps sister and brother) of their unborn child. They have earned that right. And whoever they choose, whether an infertile couple or a couple with 10 biological children, they are making a choice of self-denial and love.
Our birth mother is a hero. She is the most courageous person I've ever met. She continues to feel the loss of her son. Every single Mother's Day of her life she will be void of the son she chose to love the best way she could. So, if I get pissed at you for assuming an infertile couple's desire for a child outweighs a birth mother's right to choose what kind of family becomes her child's family, maybe now you'll understand why.
I hurt with and pray for my infertile friends and I long for them to have children. I even pray for them to desire adoption if it's God's will. But, it is God who grows families and a fertile couple adopting a child doesn't keep God from growing another family, whether infertile or not.
"So she just handed him over?"
Now, I realize that this question is truly an innocent one and people don't know how else to describe what the birth mother does. We now know to say, "she chose adoption." but when we started the process the only way we knew how to say this was "she gave up the baby." So, I get it. This one didn't incite anger as much as an eye-roll towards ignorance. No, she didn't "just" do anything. You don't "just" hand over the child you carried for 9 months.
What she did do was go to her doctor and her pastor and then to an adoption agency she trusted as soon as she knew she was pregnant. What she did do was talk and pray and agonize over what was best for her baby. What she did do was open up about her relationships with her boyfriend, her parents, her extended family. What she did do was reveal her short-comings, her fears, her dreams, her mistakes. What she did do was expose her medical history. What she did do was ask the hard questions of her family. What she did do was come up with an adoption plan so that her child would have the best life she could imagine. What she did do was spend hours looking at pictures and reading bios of adoptive couples while feeling scared and overwhelmed and not knowing how she would choose her son's parents based on a simple portfolio. What she did do was choose to have an open adoption so he would never wonder where he came from or what his story was. What she did do was go to work everyday and have people question her decision. What she did do was endure the endless baby questions and comments of strangers and acquantences. What she did do was gain weight and swell and become uncomfortable. What she did do was choose to meet my husband and I face to face while still pregnant so she could "just"see us. What she did do was ask us to name the child in her belly so that he was never nameless, not even for a day. What she did do was write him a letter telling him why she was doing what she was doing. What she did do was lose her entire family, minus one sibling, through the process. What she did do was go through labor, without her Mama or Daddy or any family members. What she did do was allow me to be at the birth so that he would have his Mama holding him from the beginning. What she did do was tell the nurses to hand him to me and follow my lead on all decisions in the hospital because, "she is his Mom." What she did do was hold him but only with me in the room because it was either too tempting for her or too scary for me. What she did do was never complain, never waiver. What she did do was start grief counseling the same day I brought home a new son. What she did do was experience all the postpartum pain and emotion without a baby in her arms to make it all worth it. What she did do was the biggest act of selfless love I've ever seen. What she did do was give me the biggest earthly gift I've ever received. And what she did do was anything but "just hand him over."
I initially wrote this next part before what you just read. I decided to move it to the end as kind of a disclaimer or explanation. It's not necessary to understand the post and it will sound funny coming after the post, but here it is...
I was warned that as we go down this road of adoption, we will hear many things that will be hurtful and offensive. We can choose to be hurt and offended or we can choose to educate people about adoption through conversation.
When I heard that warning, we were waiting to get a child and I had already encountered one such comment and I had not chosen to educate. Instead, I had let the pain and anger take me to a bad place of judgement and bitterness. So, the after-warning was like a light-bulb, an ah-ha moment, and it felt like I had some purpose and power in these awkward and hurtful moments. Later, after we had adopted our son, another comment was made that struck a cord of anger and judgement in me and again I did not educate but, instead, thought lots of bad things in my head about the person asking the (innocent yet ignorant) question. And then I just walked away. Ironically, it was that night that I was perusing internet and came across the warning again - don't let the ignorant comments get to you, instead use them as an opportunity to educate and inform. Oh yeah, I had forgotten!
All that to say, between the Mother's Day sentiment and the desire to educate and not just be a bitch to anyone who hurts or offends me, I really have a strong desire to write this post. I want to paraphrase the two hurtful statements and proceed to reply to them as I should have when they were spoken. I must warn you, I'm still feeling the hurt and anger. Not as strongly but they are there. My goal is to write this post without the hurt and anger, but honestly, I'm not very good at hiding my feelings. Even while typing. I ask for grace in this and I hope and pray my post will not hinder anyone from asking ignorant or awkward or even hurtful questions...let's talk about adoption and learn! Lord knows, I'm just starting out the journey and have so much to learn myself.
So...here goes nothing...
