Love and loss

I'm not even sure what to title this post. I really just need to write through some emotions.

We took Slade to meet with his birth parents and birth great grandparents yesterday. It was an exciting and joyous time for us. I was proud to show him off to the ones who brought him into existence. I felt proud for them...what a fabulous child they created. There were some teary eyes initially but mostly just joyous smiles and laughter as we all watched Slade be his adorable, sweet self.

It was a good visit. A sweet time. Something to be cherished.

But today I feel emotional. I'm wondering how his birth parents are doing after watching and holding and playing with the precious little boy that they really don't know. Are they depressed? Are they mourning all over again? Are they fearful they made the wrong choice? Are they content after seeing how happy Slade is? I don't know.

All I know is that there is loss in adoption. There is so much loss. I believe in adoption. I wish everyone would adopt. I wish women would choose adoption over abortion every single time. None the less, I would be a fool to ignore the pain and loss that comes with adoption.

There is pain for many adoptive parents and there is pain for the birth families but oh how there is pain for the adopted child. Watching Slade and his birth family was so surreal. Here is a woman holding this child that she carried, that she bore and yet she doesn't know him. Here is the child who has this couple's blood flowing through his veins, yet they are complete strangers to him. It isn't right yet it is best.

Today I'm on the verge of tears. I am praying for Slade's birth family but I am also thankful that this meeting made the reality of Slade's story strike me once again. I need to remember that though he is fully my child, he has a story that is completely his own. He will need to process the story, feel the story and react to the story however he needs. It is his story, not mine.

The story is so beautiful to me. It's a story of love on so many levels. It's a joyous story to me. But, I mustn't forget that it's a story of a baby losing his family. A baby never truly knowing the woman in whose belly he was created and formed. I pray that I will allow him to grieve and respond to this however he needs as he grows up. I pray I will respect him enough to be honest about the good and the ugly.

Someday tears will be his but today they are mine.

Mother's Day for Birth Mothers

It was at least half-way through the day on Mother's Day when it finally hit me that there is at least one Mother who will not be celebrated. Sadly, it took the sensitive comment of a friend to even bring her to my mind. My son's birth mother is going through her first Mother's Day as a mother but without a child. That is heavy. That is heart-breaking. That is humbling. And, that made me start thinking and feeling this post. I have deep emotions when it comes to my son's birth parents, especially his birthmother. These feelings bring lumps in my throat, tears to my eyes and sometimes fists to my hands (mentally at least).  I want to honor her this Mother's Day. I want to give her back just a morsel of what she's given me.

In that light, I'm going to tell you two statements that have been said to me that really felt awful to hear and then I'm going to try and explain why these things are hurtful and what the truth behind them is. These statements got to me mostly because they felt like an attack of my son's birthmother. I know they weren't meant that way, but they felt that way. If you see fire in my eyes after an adoption comment or question, it's likely because I feel a deep love and loyalty and respect for the woman who made the ultimate sacrifice and I might just need to make a left hook in her honor.


"I would love to adopt, but I just can't take a child from someone who can't have children." 

When this first came out of the person's mouth, it felt like a punch in the gut. It hurt. Deep. The first pain was personal...personal because A. I know and love many people who have struggled and are struggling with infertility and I would NEVER EVER want to take a child from them. The idea that someone thinks that I could or would do that is very hurtful and offensive and B. I had an "oh shit" moment, before I could bring reason into play, of "Is that what I'm doing?! Will I be robbing someone who is infertile from having a child?!"

After that initial reaction, and all the blood draining from my face, I tried to continue the conversation despite struggling to hold back the tears. So I said, "Well, it's the birthmother's choice who adopts her child and some birthmothers choose couples who have children." That's all I could get out and all I could even get through my brain. The response I got was a "Oh no, I don't like that." I don't even know what she meant by that but my brain and heart were done. I knew I was hurt on more than just a personal level but it took a couple hours and some distance for me to realize why.

You see, what I've come to realize is that adoption is primarily about the child, secondarily about the birth parents and thirdly about the adoptive parents. Yes, God uses adoption to grow families, to redeem infertility and to bless many, many couples like my husband and me. However, it's the birth parents, the "first" parents who should be honored through the process. Birthmothers are heroes. They are un-praised, often shunned, shamed and even hated. They fore-go the "easy out" of abortion and choose to endure 9 months of pregnancy. They choose to do what they see as best for a child they won't get to hold or hug or tuck in to bed. They choose pain. They choose loss. They choose life. They choose self-sacrifice.

A birthmother (or parents as in our case) have every right to choose who will be the Mommy and Daddy (and perhaps sister and brother) of their unborn child. They have earned that right. And whoever they choose, whether an infertile couple or a couple with 10 biological children, they are making a choice of self-denial and love.

Our birth mother is a hero. She is the most courageous person I've ever met. She continues to feel the loss of her son. Every single Mother's Day of her life she will be void of the son she chose to love the best way she could. So, if I get pissed at you for assuming an infertile couple's desire for a child outweighs a birth mother's right to choose what kind of family becomes her child's family, maybe now you'll understand why.

I hurt with and pray for my infertile friends and I long for them to have children. I even pray for them to desire adoption if it's God's will. But, it is God who grows families and a fertile couple adopting a child doesn't keep God from growing another family, whether infertile or not.


"So she just handed him over?"

Now, I realize that this question is truly an innocent one and people don't know how else to describe what the birth mother does. We now know to say, "she chose adoption." but when we started the process the only way we knew how to say this was "she gave up the baby." So, I get it. This one didn't incite anger as much as an eye-roll towards ignorance. No, she didn't "just" do anything. You don't "just" hand over the child you carried for 9 months.

What she did do was go to her doctor and her pastor and then to an adoption agency she trusted as soon as she knew she was pregnant. What she did do was talk and pray and agonize over what was best for her baby. What she did do was open up about her relationships with her boyfriend, her parents, her extended family. What she did do was reveal her short-comings, her fears, her dreams, her mistakes. What she did do was expose her medical history. What she did do was ask the hard questions of her family. What she did do was come up with an adoption plan so that her child would have the best life she could imagine. What she did do was spend hours looking at pictures and reading bios of adoptive couples while feeling scared and overwhelmed and not knowing how she would choose her son's parents based on a simple portfolio. What she did do was choose to have an open adoption so he would never wonder where he came from or what his story was. What she did do was go to work everyday and have people question her decision. What she did do was endure the endless baby questions and comments of strangers and acquantences. What she did do was gain weight and swell and become uncomfortable. What she did do was choose to meet my husband and I face to face while still pregnant so she could "just"see us. What she did do was ask us to name the child in her belly so that he was never nameless, not even for a day. What she did do was write him a letter telling him why she was doing what she was doing. What she did do was lose her entire family, minus one sibling, through the process. What she did do was go through labor, without her Mama or Daddy or any family members. What she did do was allow me to be at the birth so that he would have his Mama holding him from the beginning. What she did do was tell the nurses to hand him to me and follow my lead on all decisions in the hospital because, "she is his Mom." What she did do was hold him but only with me in the room because it was either too tempting for her or too scary for me. What she did do was never complain, never waiver.  What she did do was start grief counseling the same day I brought home a new son. What she did do was experience all the postpartum pain and emotion without a baby in her arms to make it all worth it. What she did do was the biggest act of selfless love I've ever seen. What she did do was give me the biggest earthly gift I've ever received. And what she did do was anything but "just hand him over."




I initially wrote this next part before what you just read. I decided to move it to the end as kind of a disclaimer or explanation. It's not necessary to understand the post and it will sound funny coming after the post, but here it is...

I was warned that as we go down this road of adoption, we will hear many things that will be hurtful and offensive. We can choose to be hurt and offended or we can choose to educate people about adoption through conversation.

When I heard that warning, we were waiting to get a child and I had already encountered one such comment and I had not chosen to educate. Instead, I had let the pain and anger take me to a bad place of judgement and bitterness. So, the after-warning was like a light-bulb, an ah-ha moment, and it felt like I had some purpose and power in these awkward and hurtful moments. Later, after we had adopted our son, another comment was made that struck a cord of anger and judgement in me and again I did not educate but, instead, thought lots of bad things in my head about the person asking the (innocent yet ignorant) question. And then I just walked away. Ironically, it was that night that I was perusing internet and came across the warning again - don't let the ignorant comments get to you, instead use them as an opportunity to educate and inform. Oh yeah, I had forgotten!

All that to say, between the Mother's Day sentiment and the desire to educate and not just be a bitch to anyone who hurts or offends me, I really have a strong desire to write this post. I want to paraphrase the two hurtful statements and proceed to reply to them as I should have when they were spoken. I must warn you, I'm still feeling the hurt and anger. Not as strongly but they are there. My goal is to write this post without the hurt and anger, but honestly, I'm not very good at hiding my feelings. Even while typing. I ask for grace in this and I hope and pray my post will not hinder anyone from asking ignorant or awkward or even hurtful questions...let's talk about adoption and learn! Lord knows, I'm just starting out the journey and have so much to learn myself.

So...here goes nothing...

Catching Up...

It's been quite a while since I last posted. Mostly, because life was crazy and then it was wasn't. We finished the adoption approval process in May which is also when we sold our house and moved in with my husband's mother. It's been almost 12 weeks and we are still living with her. Because we were going to be "homeless" for almost 3 months, our wonderful adoption agency agreed to only show our profile to women who were due after Aug 31 (the date we move in to our new home).

The two months prior to being approved and put on the "waiting adoptive families" list, we were again just waiting (and selling a home, packing, adjusting to Rocky's new job/schedule and raising a now two year old!). We had turned all our documents in, completely our home study and, with the help of Latetia Vernelson, had created our "profile" which is basically a book that birthmothers will look at to determine who will adopt their child. No big deal.

Anywho, so we finished all of that and then waited 8+ weeks. Once we got approved, we broke the news that were about to be homeless. Lest I forget to give God credit for his kindness and guidance, let me tell you about this little phase...So, once I broke the news that we'd be living with my MIL for 11 or 12 weeks, our social worker said we had two options. We could A) get my MIL, her home and her dog approved and thus keep our profile active or B) take our profile off the active list until we were settled in our new home in 3 months. Knowing it would take a couple months to get my MIL and her home approved, that seemed pointless (plus, the thought of getting a new born while living in someone else's home seemed like a too much for me and my capacity for stress. However, option B seemed devastating to me...as if we'd done so much and got approved so quickly only to be put on hold for 3 months. I knew if our profile was on hold until September (when we would be settled in the new home) then we wouldn't actually have a child until December at the earliest.

Now, before you shame me, I realize a couple months is no big deal in the big scheme of things. BUT, I'd had my mind and heart and prayers set on getting a baby mid-fall.  Since late winter/early spring, I had felt like the Lord was leading me to believe and pray and hope for a fall baby arrival so these two options just seemed like a big, "What is going on? Was I totally off? Are we even supposed to adopt?"

So, I sent a bold email to our social worker asking if it was all possible to keep our profile active but to only show it to women who were due in September or later. I prayed God would give us a yes on this as another confirmation. I got a response a couple (long) days later saying YES we could do that. My sweet social worker even thanked me for having that idea! It really felt like God was indeed leading this whole thing, after all.

Since that time, we've been chilling (in regards to the adoption, at least). Knowing we couldn't get a baby until after our move into our new home, we could focus on the move and building the new home and just mentally "shelve" the adoption.

So, that's what we've been doing...building a house and living at Grammy's and not stressing about our profile, if it was being shown or if we'd get a call about a baby.

UNTIL...

Why Adopt?

Why adopt?

I don't think I have ever used the phrase, "I felt lead to..." or "I felt called to..." Not until a few months ago, at least. Even while raising support to be a missionary, I'm pretty sure I didn't use that phrase. Partly because it sounds so cliche and hoakie, but mostly because I can't stand the idea of being fake and having said I felt "called" to go to Brazil would have felt very insincere to me. Was I "called"? Did God lead me there? I'm pretty sure He did. At least my theology tells me He did, but it's one thing to believe something and another to feel it and own it.

As I type this, I'm even nervous to write that Rocky and I feel "called" to adopt, but the reality is, we do. It's a scary term because it often makes us want to believe that what we are "called to" will indeed happen, will happen easily and will happen for the good and happiness of all involved. We don't know if any of that will be true for our adoption story, and I can assure you it wasn't always true of my missionary story, but I still feel confident (for the first time ever) saying I FEEL called to this. 

Let me back up...

Before I had a child, before I was married, before I was dating anyone, before I was even sure I wanted to have children, I loved the idea of adoption. When I would think of orphans, I would be overwhelmed with pain and sorrow for them. When I heard adoption stories, my heart would burst with joy and peace. When I read or pondered the fact that God had adopted me and all that meant for me, my imagination would run wild with how adoption of humans by humans is such a reflection of the gospel and of God's heart. I was not sure I wanted to birth a child, but I was pretty sure I wanted to adopt one. Someday. I would even pray for a husband who was open to adoption. 

On the night Rocky asked me to marry him, just before he popped the big question, I asked him his thoughts on adoption (fully expecting him to say something along the lines of, "what the hell are you talking about?!" and fully expecting to have to deal with the disappointment and confusion that that would bring) only to hear him say, without pause, that he would definitely be open to adoption when the time came to start a family. Boom!

Fast forward a year or so...

Rocky and I have been married almost a year when we start doing that crazy thing, talking about the K word - kids! Long story short, we had one. It took about eight months and some testing, poking, prodding, etc to make that baby and during those eight months we talked about adoption and other options. We were game. But, glory to God, along came embryo Livi and the adoption talk was put on hold!

Then along came newborn Livi. Well, she came after nine months of misery and medical issues and eight hours of traumatic pushing (see other blog incase you having nothing better to do), but alas there she was in all her precious baby goodness!

Fast forward a year or so...again...

Livi is getting bigger and we are doing that crazy thing again, talking kid number two! With my long-term love for adoption, Rocky being totally down with it, my experience with pregnancy and labor, and, let's face it, my age, it just made sense for us to skip the baby making business and get down to the adoption business!

From that point until this one, God has continually lead us forward, through many ups and downs, many doubts and fears and many potential obstacles. He has done wild "God stuff" to get us in the door when the "rules" of the agency didn't allow. He has calmed our fears, answered our questions and most of all reminded us over and over that His heart is a heart for adoption. He adopted us as His children, giving us all the rights and responsibilities of sons and we want to do the same for some child out there. The child that He gives. The child whose birth mother is not in a place or position to raise him but who is brave enough, selfless enough, loving enough to make the painfully self-sacrificing choice of adoption for her child.

Disclaimer: We are not perfect parents. We are quite screwed up, actually. We often don't know what we're doing or how to do it. We struggle on a daily basis to figure it out, to love our daughter well. We run back to God over and over with fear, confusion and parent-guilt. We are not under the illusion that we are adopting to provide a child with a perfect home or perfect life or perfect parents. Our hope is to be the parents with the home and life that God decides is right and best for this child. Our hope is that God will fill in the gaps for all our children. That God will heal the wounds we cause, bring truth to the lies we accidentally teach, build the character we fail to demonstrate and provide the love we struggle to give. Our hope is that all of our children can know their individual stories, love themselves as they are and allow God to enter into all the corners of their lives, both light and dark ones, in order to allow them each to fully live the life God intended them to live. 

The Last Visit...

We finished our final home study visit today. It was actually the only visit done at our home and it was by far the quickest and easiest. We chatted with our dear social worker for a bit then showed her around the house, pointing out our (newly purchased) fire extinguisher and smoke detectors. That was it. Like, literally. (I think they just wanted to make sure there were no dead bodies lying around.)

It seems we passed the "inspection" (of our lives and our home) because our social worker said it would be about 6-8 weeks and we would be on the waiting list. WOW!

I'll probably write a post about the value of this home study someday. It really has been a growing experience for Rocky and me. And actually a pretty enjoyable one!

But right now I have to get a little fire under me to get our "choose us, choose us!" book, aka portfolio, done.

After that...we wait...

Third Trimester Shock!

Last week, on January 30, 2015, we had our second home study meeting in Macon. This was our second of the three required home study meetings and we knew going in that Rocky and I would be separated and interviewed individually by our case manager. There was no drama leading up to the meeting, the trip went smoothly and the meeting was pretty painless and went as expected. However, we walked out of the meeting feeling completely different than we felt walking into the meeting.

Walking in, the adoption process felt like a long walk on a summer day. Coming out, it felt like a quick sprint with a close finish line! This change in the way we felt all came from a simple date being set...the date for our third and final home study visit. This final visit was set for just days away! And we know that it'll only be a couple months after that visit that we are finished with the process and are waiting on our baby!

When you're pregnant, although anything can happen, you have a pretty good idea of when your baby will come. The changes in your body and belly and the baby itself, if not the calendar, keep that due date front and center. But with adoption, it feels we just went from 2 weeks pregnant to 7 months pregnant overnight! It's like we have a "due date" now and it's soon!

On the other hand, once our "due date" comes and we are officially on the "waiting list", it could be a matter of days, weeks, months or even years before our baby is born and with us! There is just so much unknown and so little that you can prepare for until you get that phone call!

Rocky and I left the meeting and after having an "oh shit!" moment together, we immediately started thinking of baby names! Rocky actually started the name conversation which let me know that he too feels we are pregnant and very pregnant indeed! This adoption thing feels real all of the sudden and this baby feels real all of the sudden. And the need to pray for this baby who may or may not have been conceived yet, who may or may not have been born yet, is more real than ever! "This baby" just became "our baby" although we don't know a single thing about him or her!

I suddenly cannot wait to be this baby's mommy and to become part of his or her story and to share that story (the parts before me and after me) with him or her someday.

Starting the Process...

I should have started this blog 6 months or more ago, but the idea only occurred to me recently. As we've journeyed through this adoption process over the past several months, it has become clearer and clearer to me that both biological pregnancy and adoptive "pregnancy" are pretty comparable! They are both long, painful, annoying, joyous, tedious, hopeful, worrisome, stressful, confusing, unique, life-altering, expensive, God-given and so much more!

That reality, along with the reality that our future adopted child will deserve to know his or her story just as much as our biological child deserves to know hers, has inspired me to fire up the blog-in-me again! I blogged throughout pregnancy as a memoir to myself and to the child I was growing and birthing. I want to blog throughout the adoption process for the same reasons. It's a little scary and feels some foolish because, honestly, we don't know how or when this process will end. But, then again, we didn't know how or when pregnancy would end. I trusted that I was going to have a baby and I'll do the same this go-round. If God has another plan, that will become part of this blog, as well, I'm sure.

Now...I'm getting a late start, so let's start back-tracking!

It was around June of 2014 that I first contacted Covenant Care and sent in our "pre-application" packet. Megan from Covenant Care initially called me and said we would not be able to start the adoption process until January 2015 (the current month in which I'm blogging) because Olivia, our first child, would not be old enough for us to start the process any sooner. I was bummed, as the website had lead me to believe that as long as Livi was 18 months on the date of the initial training class, we could get started. Although disappointed and bit angry, I kept my cool and was very "nice" on the phone. This paid off (ha), because just a week or so later Megan called me back and said she had specifically run our situation by the director and they had decided they would allow us to start the process in August because Livi would be 18 months the day before the August class!! Wow!! We were on the waiting list, but we were first on the list and they indicated we should definitely have a spot in the Aug class! (This class is only offered twice a year and it is required before starting the process with Covenant Care).

August came quickly and we were thrilled to make the drive to Macon for our first class! We were there from 1p-4p and basically learned the vision and philosophy of Covenant Care (worthy of it's own blog post!) and the basics of the adoption process. It was a very eye-opening and informative day. There wasn't much time to talk amongst ourselves during class, so as soon as Rocky and I got in the car we both said, "So, what do you think?!" I was feeling very assured that adoption was indeed the path God was leading us down, but I honestly had no idea if Rocky felt the same way. The class made the "home-study" process sound a bit overwhelming, in-your-business to a scary degree and I wasn't sure if that was a deterrent to Rocky (as it was a little intimidating to me!). However, I was thrilled when he burst out, "I feel sure this is the right step for us!"

Both of our reactions were such a contrast from way back when when we were considering IVF...we left the IVF clinic, got in the car, had the same conversation and both basically said, "This is clearly not for us!" Not that we're opposed to IVF, by ANY means, but it was clear it wasn't for us. In the same way, we felt clear that adoption was for us and that was a wonderful feeling.

Our second required class was a LONG 2 months later. There wasn't much to do in between the two classes as far as the process went, so we just waited and lived life. We returned to the second class and again were pleasantly surprised. The second class was more casual and we got to hear testimonies from both a birth mom and an adoptive family. Over the summer, I had started to worry that adoption wasn't a good thing for the child or the birth mother, that maybe a child should always stay with his birth mother no matter the situation. Some family things had happened earlier in the summer to remind me that this was a lie and that adoption was often best possible option, but the thought was still weighing on me a bit. Hearing from this birth mother and this adoptive family took that weight away and cemented the conviction that adoption can be a redemptive and beautiful thing that is best for all parties involved.

After this second class, we began the paperwork! Wow, the PAPERWORK!! Fortunately, Rocky and I both can be task-masters so we knocked this stuff out quick! It was mostly filling out forms about finances, family trees, and then collected myriads of government documents. Once we had completed the 20-30 items, we were ready for out first "home study" which was actually a meeting with our case worker in Macon. More on that soon...